On Being Lonely

Recently, I have been on a “songs I haven’t listened to for while” kick, and I have listened to some really awesome songs that I sort of forgot about. Tonight, I had my iPod plugged in to my computer and was going through the music queuing up songs. I got up as the songs played to get ready for bed and then Lonelier Than This by Steve Earle came on and I just stopped. It had slipped my mind that I had queued up this song, but as soon as it started to play the emotions just hit me. I used to listen to this song a lot back a few years ago, and every once in a while, when I was feeling really lonely I would put it on repeat. It is interesting that I haven’t listened to it for quite a while, but that as soon as it came on I felt like I needed to hear it.

The first thing that you need to know about me is that I really like being alone. I don’t mean single, even though the song is actually about heartbreak that is not really what I am talking about. I like spending time by myself. This isn’t something recent, when I was a teen I used to love to be in my room listening to music and reading. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hanging out with people and doing things, but I have a breaking point where I just want to be alone. I’m really good at keeping myself busy, I can waste time like crazy, and sometimes I think that if someone else was around they would just get in my way. However, in the end, I believe that people aren’t meant to be alone all the time.

I have moments where I look around my apartment and I wish that there was someone there to talk too, or even just watch TV with. These are my Lonelier Than This moments. There are days when I don’t really talk to anyone, I might talk to the cashier at the grocery store, and most days it doesn’t bother me, but if you string enough of those days together you start to feel a bit lonely. All of my family is so far away and I can’t just hang with them, and my friends are kind of far too. There are nights when I wish that I had a friend who lived around the corner and we were always at each other’s places just chilling, but it’s so hard to meet people to create these kinds of friendships.

Now, I know what you are thinking…and NO! this really isn’t about me being single. I know that when girls say that they aren’t interesting in dating most people look at them suspiciously thinking to themselves Sure. As much as I’d like to hang out with someone, I really don’t want it to be romantically. I don’t want to have to worry about whether he likes me, or if he is going to kiss me. I have come to terms with single life and I am really OK with it. I honestly don’t want to have to plan my life around some guy, I want to do whatever I want and I don’t want some guy getting in the way. Life is not all about romantic love!

When I am having my Lonelier Than This moments I am missing my family and my friends. I want to spend time with the people that make me laugh and make me feel like I belong. I just want to sit and listen to them talk, or watch a movie with them. It’s probably more of a homesick feeling then anything.

Lonelier Than This is so perfectly melancholy. I love the emotion in Steve Earle’s voice, it makes me want to cry, the way that it is like a whisper. The guitar is probably my favourite because it sounds so sad; I don’t think that there is another song where the guitar sounds sad like this. It is a song where the emotion is so present that hits the heart every time that I listen to it.

Alright, now that I have thoroughly depressed you, I want you know that I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I am happy a lot. I might feel lonely sometimes, but I’m sure that is true of all people.

BEDA - Day Twenty-Three

AAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!! Unfortunately this is how I am feeling right now. I consider myself to be a pretty positive person, but there are times that I just get down. It really sucks because I had a great weekend, and was feeling really good, and then today happened.

Remember when I said that the weather controls my mood? Well, today was chilly and raining and I didn’t want to go out, but I had too. I walked to the store with my umbrella and had it almost go inside out several times, why don’t they invent a wind resistant umbrella? And it didn’t really do any good anyway; I still got damp because of the rain. It was dim in my apartment all day and I didn’t end up getting anything done all day.

There are other things that happened today that are too personal to write about, but let me say that sometimes life sucks. When the sky is grey and it rains I can’t help but feel like my life is never going to get better. Days like today make me feel like crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head.

Well, now that I have depressed you all, I will finish by saying that tomorrow is another day. “I had no shoes and I complained until I met the man who had no feet”. The sun will shine again. I want to say that things will look better in the morning, but that is not always the case. Sometimes the sun stays away for a couple days, but it always returns sooner or later.

The Fox and the Hound

Last night I watched The Fox and the Hound for the first time since I was a kid. Of all the classic Disney movies this was not one of favourites and I think I finally figured out why. This movie is really sad. I don’t remember it being so sad, I know that it is about a fox and hound who are friends but because of the circumstance, being natural enemies, they are unable to remain friends, but it really is a downer.

The friendship between Copper and Todd only really happens during the length of song, The Best of Friends, and then Copper goes off to be trained as a hunting dog. When Copper returns both him and Todd have grown up, and soon because Copper’s mentor Chief gets injured do to an accident caused by Todd, Copper becomes fixated on hunting down Todd. This is the first thing that is really sad, how quickly Copper changes his mind on the friendship between him and Todd. I understand that he had to choose a side and the natural side he would take would be that of the dog that helped him to become a better hunting dog, but Copper chooses to hunt Todd all the while knowing that his master, the hunter, planned on killing Todd. It truly is disheartening to think that someone’s affection could change in such a dramatic way, but I suppose that is actually something that happens in real life; maybe that is why it makes this story so sad.

I think that the saddest part of this movie is by far the scene when the widow drops Todd off in the reserve to save him from the hunter. Over the scene plays a voice over by the widow which says: “Goodbye may seem forever, farewell is like the end, but in my heart is the memory and there you’ll always be”. The combination of the sad images and this line actually had me tearing up, which is something of an accomplishment considering I rarely ever cry during movies.

Soon after the widow drops Todd off the hunter and Copper come looking for him. They finally find Todd and chase him all through the forest. Finally, they stumble upon a bear, and while Todd gets past the bear, the hunter and Copper do not. Todd hears the fight between the bear and Copper and rushes back to help. Todd defeats the bear, but in doing so falls from a great height into a pool of water. Todd is alive, but injured, and the hunter comes upon him readying his shot. Just then Copper appears and stands in front of Todd protecting him from the hunter. These are the last acts of friendship and from here they part ways never to see each other again. It is nice to think that there was still enough friendship and feelings between the fox and the hound to save each other from harm. I honestly am not sure how to feel about this, because it could be heart-warming to think that they both still cared for each other enough to save the other; but it’s is sad to think that even if they do both have some sort of friendly feeling toward the other, they cannot be friends.

I guess that not every story can have a happy ending, but this ending just leaves me feeling a bit depressed. The Fox and the Hound is an interesting story, and one that should be told, it makes me remember just how important friendships are. You never know who will be there for you in the end, and I suppose that in this case this may demonstrate what a true friendship is; caring for someone so much that you would risk your own life for that person or fox or hound.

Just incase you want to cry here is the scene when the widow drops of Todd.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UIc6o5Z8SU